Umm.

I've switched to Livejournal.

If you still want to read more of my rants, raves and realizations on the meaning of life and chocolate pocky, you can find them in my new blog: And Then There Was Light

Ok. That's it then. Friday, March 31, 2006 at 4:48 AM

Yesterday, July 22, is the day when I decided to take the risk. So I jumped.

And now, my dream has finally turned into reality.

What made me do it?

I'm not sure what possessed me really.

I just had the feeling that I'd lose something very important if I didn't jump soon. And for some reason, that feeling scared me like never before.

I'm sure that it won't always be smooth-sailing. I'm sure that life isn't like a dream where everything's always so peachy. I'm sure that at one time or another, one or the both of us would want to get out of this. But, I'm also sure that if I didn't tell him the things I've always wanted to say to him, I would've regretted it for the rest of my life.

It's so sudden, I know. Even I'm surprised and scared at the suddenness(sp?) of it all. Like everything fell into place. Just. Like. That. But when I think about it, it all makes sense.

Because you see, when you finally realize that this is the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you'd want the rest of your life to begin right away.

I love him. No, it's not because I'm lonely. It's not because he's the epitome of that "Somebody". It's not because he's everything I've always wanted, as well as everything I've always detested. And it's not because he's the guy who appeared in my dreams before I even met him.

I love him just because I do. And somehow, loving him felt right.

I'm young, I'm aware of that. I know that I don't know much about the world. But I love him.

And that may be all I need, and all there is, to know. Saturday, July 23, 2005 at 3:23 PM

Do you believe in me?
I'm yours, you're mine
and though you refuse to see
I'll be behind

*******

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you?
Or are you going back to the one you love?

*******

Your face lights up the sky on the highway.
Someday, you'll share your world with me someday.
You mesmerize me with diamond eyes;
I try to fool myself to think I'll be alright.
But I am losing all control -
My mind, my heart, my body and my soul

Never in my life have I been more sure,
So come on up to me and close the door.
Nobody's made me feel this way before;
You're everything I wanted and more.

To speak or not to; where to begin.
The way dilemmas I'm finding myself in.
For all I know you only see me as a friend.
I try to tell myself wake up fool; this fairy tale's got to end.

Never in my life have I been more sure,
So come on up to me and close the door.
Nobody's made me feel this way before;

You're everything I wanted... and more.

*******

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who’ll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
He’ll get my support
He will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
He’ll hear me out
And won’t easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact he’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all
He will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who’ll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don’t want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I’m carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I’m asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I’ll get away with it

*******

Dorothy said, "There's no place like home."

Some random guy left us with, "Home is where the heart is."

True, true. And a lot of people believe in those quotes. Me? Well, personally, I believe most in Dory.

Dory: I know it's there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it. And-and I look at you, and I... I'm home!

And it's really there. Like... magic. It's actually magic. I just know it. I finally found home.

Tadaima. Thursday, June 30, 2005 at 7:22 PM

Warning: R-18

Read at your own risk.




It`s a given that all local channels here only show Japanese programs. As for cable, well, we only have limited stuff so there's no TFC, Nickelodeon, etc. The only channels that provide English shows are Cartoon Network, Fox and AXN. Minsan nga kahit yung Fox at AXN may Japanese dubbing e. Bleh.

A month ago, napurga nako sa 3 channels na yun. Ayoko na. Tama na. It's time to move on... to other channels. I hoped that there could be more stations that had English shows on it so did what I had to do.

I channel-surfed.

That's when I chanced (hoo, chanced daw) upon the pay-per-view channels.

Surprise, surpise.

I saw porn. Lots of porn.

Hardcore. Hetero. Yuri. Fetishes. You get the idea.

Being the curious (curious lang ba talaga?) person that I am, I decided to check some out even for a few seconds before the screen blacks out. (ganun pala yun no? they just give you 10-15 seconds to decide whether you like the preview or not, tapos pag hindi mo pinindot yung "select" button sa remote, magblablack-out na yung screen. then you click the remote again and check out the other channels. Heh.)

So ayun, I watched. For behavioral studies and educational purposes, of course.

(Yeah, right.)

Ang weird nga e. Syempre iba-iba yung mga setting. Meron sa kwarto, kusina, elevator at meron sa TREN. Oo, sa tren. Kung saan may ibang mga tao. Nung una kong nakita yon, nagulat nga ako e. Ano yun, ni-rentahan nila yung buong tren para lang ma-shoot yung video na yun? Kasi, malamang naman na set-up lang yung mga situations na yun. Imposible naman na biglang may gagalaw sayo sa tren at walang makakapansin o wala man lang tutulong sayo diba? Diba?!

Still, i wonder...

Napaisip tuloy ako. Sa atin kasi, yung mga Pinay na nasa bold movies, may mga dahilan kaya sumabak sa hubaran: a.)kelangan kumita ng pera, b.)feeling nila e form of expression yun ng kanilang art ek ek, c.)gusto lang nilang mag-artista kaya ginawa nilang stepping stone ang paghuhubad at d.)di naman talaga ginustong malagay ang kanilang hubad na katawan sa mga piratang vcd at nabiktima lang pala sila ng mga hidden cameras nang mag-motel sila ng mga boyfriend nila.

E dito kaya sa Japan? May mga rason den kaya itong mga Haponesa na'to?

Kelangan lang din kaya nila ng pera? Gusto rin kaya nilang sumikat? O sadyang tawag lang talaga ng laman? At iyong mga scenarios sa mga palabas, set-up lang kaya talaga lahat ng yun? Wala man lang bang nabiktima talaga? Malay ba ng mga tao dito kung totohanang rape na pala yun e enjoy paren sila sa panonood. At magkano nga kaya ang ibinayad ng production team sa train company na yun para makapag-shoot sila ng sex scene sa loob ng tren?

Tapos meron pang ibang palabas na di ko malaman kung pano nasisikmura ng mga hapon panoorin. Yung kakaibang mga fetishes. Andun na yung sadomasochism, pag-gamit ng garapal na mga sex toys, pag close-up sa mukha ng mga babae habang umiiyak sila... and so on. Eww. Sick. Very, very sick. I suddenly had the urge to hurl. It was at that point when I clicked the remote back to cartoon network.

Dahil sa panonood kong iyon, may na-realize ako. (Gaga, kung ano man yang maduming iniisip mo, hindi yun.)

Sadyang may voyeuristic tendencies ang tao. Hindi lang pala manyak o tigang na mga tao ang may ganang manood ng porn. There will always be that one voice at the back of your head that'll tell you to look. To watch. And at one point or another, you'll give in. Maybe not now, but you WILL. It's instinct. It's in our nature to be curious . Even if we know that giving in to this sort of curiosity is a sign of weakness.

But once in a while, I think it's okay.

Just because it's this weakness which makes us human. Friday, June 17, 2005 at 10:16 PM

In your eyes, people see life... You see yourself
as just an average person! You enjoy life, love
wildlife, but also enjoy time with those who
know you best. You like to get outdoors and let
your mind wander over all of the mysteries god
gave to you. You don't really have a certain
sanctuary because you're so well-rounded, but
you like having fun and adventures, but can
also be found sitting quietly about, reading a
book. You have a pretty good life ahead of you,
never trade it for anything else :)


What Lies Behind Your Eyes?
brought to you by Quizilla


Life? What life?! I have no life.

What I have is a job that takes up most of my time. And during the hours that I'm not working? I sleep.

I live in a cruel, cruel world.

Argh. I hate my job.

It's crappy and redundant and eye-straining and oh God, I'm getting back cramps. Back cramps! At 17!

I'm practically still a kid, demmit!!

Bah, I sure hope the paycheck's worth all the pain and effort.

And when I say effort, I mean EFFORT.

I swear a lot of my co-workers are out to get me fired. And they're Filipinas! Where's the love for their kababayan, their fellow Filipina?!

Traitors.

But really, those things doesn't affect me that much. Nope, I wouldn't mind all of that all. Backstabbers? I could ignore them. Back pain? Hah, there's Alaxan for that.

I could just be the perfect little worker bee.

If only there wasn't this guy that I'm crushing on.

A Japanese guy 7 years my senior, an engineer and who friggin' looks like Harry Potter.

This is ridiculous.

I travel God-knows-how-many miles away from the Philippines, away from God-knows-how-many glassboys that I incidentally stalk, live among God-knows-how-many cute Japanese guys who DON'T have glasses and still end up liking a guy who WEARS a maroon-framed one. And he doesn't even smell good. He smells like sweat and sun and soap and machinery all mixed together.

Unbelievable.

Of course, it doesn't help that there's also this really, really pretty half-Japanese, half-Brazilian 15 year old who's also crushing on him.

Hmm... wonder who'd he prefer? A stick-shaped Filipina who doesn't understand Nihonggo, has wire-like hair and wears retainers AND braces, OR a kawaii Brazilian who looks Japanese, not to mention SPEAKS Nihonggo, and who has oh-so-shiny raven hair and perfect smile?

Hmm. Tricky.

Hah, as if there's any competition in the first place.

...

....

.....

I hate her.

She's practically a Mary Sue. She's just so... perfect. And everybody just loooooves her.

Hah. See? What's there not to hate?

Umm.

She even has this sweet voice that goes quite well for her. While all I have is this... deep, masculine sound that comes out of my throat.

What, me? Insecure?

Pfsh. You have no idea.

I hate her because she's pretty and well-liked. I hate her because she's everything I'm not. Hah, now that says a lot about my personality.

I have turned into a bitter, bitter cow.

I'm sorry but I couldn't help it. It's as if all my insecurities feed off of her perfect little face.

The green-eyed monster's on a roll.

I should stop. I know I shouldn't compare myself to her. I know that this kind of thinking will ruin me. I know I should stop.

But I can't. I just can't.

My annual depression is starting to kick in once again.

Only this time, I'm God-knows-how-many miles away from the very people whom I can talk to about this.

This time, only I can help myself.

I can get through this. And I will.

It's about time I finally do things on my own. I do believe it's also about time I become a little.. dare I say, mature? I actually am turning 18 in a few months.

Well.

Maybe I'm not such a kid after all. Friday, June 10, 2005 at 3:15 PM

Guys, this is it.

I chose to leave the life I had as an Atenean to follow my heart's burning desire.

I decided to become a paid-by-the-hour-worker in a cellphone factory.

...

....

.....

Nah, not really.

But seriously, I'm now working in a cellphone factory as a... umm... someone who puts keypad pieces together. From 8 AM to 5 PM. With only a one-hour lunch break and a couple of five-minute breaks in between.

Ooh, fun.

And oh God, my back. My poor, aching back.

But hey, that's 750 yen per hour, 7500 yen a day. Convert that to Philippine peso, and what do I get?!

3,500 pesos A DAY.

That`s even more than the allowance I get in the Philippines for a week.

And the job isn't that bad either. I sit while working, which is the reason why I'm now whining about my back, but it sure is better than standing for HOURS.

But then again, why the hell should I complain when I'm getting paid for it?!

Moral lesson: Never look down on people with blue-collared jobs, especially factory workers. You might not know it, but they earn more than you do. Tuesday, May 31, 2005 at 9:04 PM

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Lilli Mae is your soulmate.

You truly love Jlyn.

You consider Neal your true friend.

You know that Juls is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Shayne for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Karl is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Nel is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Kate is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Kate changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think Issa is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Issa has a hidden internet romance.

Kate?! Hmm.. if that`s true, well... *gasp!* ilang beses kang nagpapalit ng underwear sa isang taon?! Hahahahahahaha.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

Your Dominant Thinking Style:

Visioning You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights. You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details. An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path. You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.

Your Secondary Thinking Style:

Modifying Super logical and rational, you consider every fact available to you. You don't make rash decisions and are rarely moved by emotion. You prefer what's known and proven - to the new and untested. You tend to ground those around you and add stability.

Your #1 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

Your Birthdate: August 7

Born on the 7th day of month gives you a tendency to be something of a perfectionist and makes you more individualistic in many ways. Your mind is good at deep mental analysis and complicated reasoning. You are very psychic and sensitive, and you should usually follow your hunches. You may not take orders too well, so you may want to work alone or in a situation where you can be the boss. This birthday gives a tendency to be somewhat self-centered and a little stubborn.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005 at 10:07 PM